I'm not really sure why I am feeling the way I do today... It's not like I have been by myself all weekend... Dajonna has been here since Thursday, and today my mom came over--took us out to breakfast, then we came back to watch movies all day... It was cool... I'm gonna miss being with my Mommy on Sundays!!!!! What the hell am I going to do in New York?! I will be in one the biggest cities on earth--alone... Sure I have some family there... but I don't talk to them or really know them... and sure I know a few people, but there Itasha's friends... Nikki and I will talk all the time and see each other, but I only know her because of my ex... If it weren't for her, I would have never thought about moving my ass up there... but I still plan on going... I pray to God, that I get this job... I really want it... I really need it...
For whatever reason today, I keep feeling this void... Ugh... and the shit won't go away... I know everything is not my fault... but I also know that I have contributed to the majority of the pain I feel because of love lost... There have been plenty of people in my life--who wanted me, needed me, and who would have been there for me... But I never let myself get too close or even take them seriously... The problem is, that I like the "assholes"--who are unavailable and unattainable... Sometimes I really feel like a damn fool... The joke is truly on me...
I date whoever I want and however I want... but I am not really happy about it... Apart of me does miss the relationship thing, but I don't want a relationship... Or maybe I just really want a relationship with her again... one day... I am so tired of this empty bed... in this empty apartment... It's pathetic that I chose to stay in something I once shared with her... All of it, reminds me of us... and I don't want anyone in here... Ugh... it's time for me to move out and move on... Even though I thought I had--moved on...
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