Another week gone by...

I have been so busy and tired lately... They are really killing me at work... I feel as though nothing I do is enough... There more I do, the less its appreciated... I love my students and would do anything in the world for them... but the people in charge of that place make it so difficult... I really am just trying to make it until June... Once June gets here, I know it will all be over... It's sad, because this was a place, I loved and wanted to be... the people I worked with were great, kids and staff were happy... Here we are three years later--and it is not the same... Next week are the college trips for the 9th and 10th graders... Ugh... it really makes my head hurt!!! I don't know what I would have done without Shannon and Lauren... they're fantastic interns... I am going to miss them so much... Whatever agency or organization gets them when they graduate will be lucky to have them... Tomorrow hopefully won't be so bad... I have a lot of logs to finish... and I really need to have them done before I walk out of th door... I am just so unmotivated to push myself to complete them... Everything else has just gotten in the way... Pray for me...

Derrick and I talked for hours today, about everything and anything you could think of... He wanted to know about Kendall's visit and my trip to New York las week... So many things happened... So many feelings and emotions are flowing through my body... Gosh... I am so lucky to have him as a friend... I know I haven't discussed being in NYC with anyone... I kind of want to keep it to myself...

The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girls Sex-- Exercise 3: Inviting Your Bad Girl in from the Cold

"I want to be bad."
"I am bad. Very bad. Very, very bad."
"I deserve to be bad."
"I ache to be bad."
"I live to be bad."
"Bad is beautiful."
"Bad looks good on me."
"I wear bad well."
"I need to be bad."
"No one is as bad as me."
"Bad feels good to me."
"Bad is in me."
"Bad come naturally."
"Bad is sexy."
"Bad is hot."
"Bad runs through me."
"Bad is naughty and nice."
"I am fiercely bad."
"This is why I'm bad."
"Bad is phenomenal."

Bad Girls Feel Good about Being Bad... So, say it out loud...

I am big and strong.
I can break free from the past.
I will be who and what I want to be.

It was worth the long process...

I got the job!!!!! I will be the new school counselor at Achievement First in August 08'

New York City here I come...

Been busy...

It has been almost a week since my last blog... Lol... I sound like I'm in confession... Anyway, this has been a pretty busy week for me... Kendall came to Philly for a way over-due visit... It really was nice to see him... We had a lot of fun... I had no idea what I was supposed to do with him for three days... I mean I don't do the tour guide thing... So it was definitely an experience... I'm not really sure what I expected, if I expected anything at all... I never asked him what he wanted or what he had in mind while he was here... All he said was that he wanted me to show him a good time... and so I did...

Monday News...

Today I got a phone call from Becca (the head of HR at Achievement First)... She said that she heard I had an awesome phone conference over the weekend with Sharleen... This was definitely a long process... First I sent in a cover letter along with my resume... then I was asked to complete a written essay form application which was about 8 pages... then I had a phone interview with Becca and someone else, that was like an hour... then I had a face-to-face interview that was from 10:00am to 2:30pm... at that interview I was able to observe classes, meet teachers, staff, and administrators... The next step was followed by an hour phone conference with one of their deans... Becca also went on to tell me how excited they all were about me, which makes me excited... and she asked me to let my references know she would be calling within the next few days... I know I keep saying this to every and anyone who will listen to me--but I want this job... If I knew how--I might have done cartwheels across my office and in the hallway after I got the message... Of course I called and sent text messages to all of my references--so I can keep the process moving in a timely fashion... At the moment I feel a lot of optimism... this is my next chance to make my mark... I just need to stay focused and keep moving...

Feeling Kind of Down...

I'm not really sure why I am feeling the way I do today... It's not like I have been by myself all weekend... Dajonna has been here since Thursday, and today my mom came over--took us out to breakfast, then we came back to watch movies all day... It was cool... I'm gonna miss being with my Mommy on Sundays!!!!! What the hell am I going to do in New York?! I will be in one the biggest cities on earth--alone... Sure I have some family there... but I don't talk to them or really know them... and sure I know a few people, but there Itasha's friends... Nikki and I will talk all the time and see each other, but I only know her because of my ex... If it weren't for her, I would have never thought about moving my ass up there... but I still plan on going... I pray to God, that I get this job... I really want it... I really need it...

For whatever reason today, I keep feeling this void... Ugh... and the shit won't go away... I know everything is not my fault... but I also know that I have contributed to the majority of the pain I feel because of love lost... There have been plenty of people in my life--who wanted me, needed me, and who would have been there for me... But I never let myself get too close or even take them seriously... The problem is, that I like the "assholes"--who are unavailable and unattainable... Sometimes I really feel like a damn fool... The joke is truly on me...

I date whoever I want and however I want... but I am not really happy about it... Apart of me does miss the relationship thing, but I don't want a relationship... Or maybe I just really want a relationship with her again... one day... I am so tired of this empty bed... in this empty apartment... It's pathetic that I chose to stay in something I once shared with her... All of it, reminds me of us... and I don't want anyone in here... Ugh... it's time for me to move out and move on... Even though I thought I had--moved on...

*My Life*

For me to begin to explain "the life"... "this life"... "my life"...
--You have to really listen.

Here I am, looking out of a window...
--Seeing the skyline of a city I used to know.

It's amazing how beautiful and lively things look from the 19th floor...
--Revisiting, reflecting, and remembering each era of my life.

Seeing how a simple caterpillar transformed--into a beautiful black butterfly!

Transformation --> means change --> change is a process of evolution.
--These things have brought on a sense of new found freedom, happiness, and love.

At the same time I find myself almost having to reintroduce myself to the people closest to me.
--Because my feelings have changed, my language has changed, my attitude has changed, and my attractions have changed.

This influences my taste in music, my style of dress, and even my tone of voice.

Apart of me is afraid...
--Afraid of not only what will be lost, but will be gained.

How do I explain? Or better yet... Why should I explain--the colored girl who considered suicide when the rainbow was enough?
--Who understands her... who is there for her... and who will ride for her?

Now I can hear voices...
--Voices of the past, present, and future.

Reminiscing about the music of the heart...
--Like how the one from Philly made me want to leave the one I was with;
--Then there was Ghost, who couldn't wait another minute;
--The one in DC had loved me without shame;
--There was Shadow, the one I never knew what hurt 'em--I just wanted to make it right;
--But yo, now the one with the sexy ass dimple has me saying "yes", while riding waves that take me to a place where my emotions flow free!!!

Each of them brought something different into my life...
--Leaving me with something special.

Even though I may not lead the type of lifestyle, that makes everyone else comfortable...
--My love dreams in color... and I life my life independently free.

(April - July 2004)

Rain down...

It has been raining all day... Thank God it was a PD day... no kids... Just a whole lot of work that needed to be done... Lauren and I finished grading all of the kids portfolios except for like two of them... and we distributed all the trip slips out to the 9th and 10th grade advisers... Hopefully they will follow the directions we gave them--but knowing them I doubt it...

When I finally get home, it's close to 2:30pm... and I still needed to get lunch together for Dajonna and I... I'm really going to miss my child when I move!!!!! She shredded all of my mail for for... because I am so lazy when it comes to doing it myself... There is so much stuff that needs to be done, in the next month and a half... Ugh... I hate packing!

So I go lay down, because I really needed to rest before I went to the viewing for my student's mother who died from Emphysema... It was just a week ago, that I had to call him into my office along with his sister and cousin--to tell him that his mother passed away... I will never forget the look o his face... Derrick is such a sweet kid... I really just feel awful for him...

Just as I began to fall asleep, Dennis calls... He wanted to stop by after work, to say "hi"... We had an interesting conversation... At first he was saying over and over, how he didn't miss me... Then, he decided to be honest about missing me--which is why he stopped by... Dennis claims--that I have trying to make him fall out of love with me, by being so mean to him... I looked at that fool like he was crazy... He needed to use that stupid shit on someone who believes it... I let him talk his crap, and ask me his questions... But I will say this... once we hugged and kissed--it was a wrap... I must have really wanted some, because I have not let him get any since October... I'm not gonna front... I did think about it a little... and I did miss the way he gives it to me a little... Lol... He asked questions the whole time... Asking me if I missed him, wanting me to tell him why my naughty bits no longer belonged to him, and wanting to know if it felt good... I guess he got an opportunity to remember what he lost out on...

Catching Up...

Today I met Vincent for dinner and drinks... As usual, we went to the Kitchen Bar... I knew I had to go, because we haven't seen each other in over a month... and I could no longer listen to him complain about it... For a little over an hour, we talked about what was going on at our various jobs... He made not so subtle hints and what he wanted to do to me and with me... He even asked me to come to Denver with him next week for a few days, because he will be there for work... Maybe things would be different if he wasn't married, but he is... Ugh... Both of us are moving to different states... he and his family are moving to Boston... and hopefully I'm moving to New York...

Speakeasy... MCTC students meet the "Open Mic"

Last night I really enjoyed watching some of my students at this Open Mic event at Penn's Art Cafe... I must say I was impressed by some of their pieces... Marques, Nick, Sheraina, Nick, Fatima, Donte', Miles, Denzel, and Damon--all got up to do an original or pre-written poem... It took a lot of courage... It was funny--one of the Penn students got up to do their piece and completely singled me out... By asking me the question... "Can I take you out for some ice cream?" Oh how my kids thought that was funny... This dude really got up there and embarrassed the shit out of me... I'm just glad he didn't try to get at me later on... I definitely had fun, and would go again to support my students... Maybe next time I'll got up there and do a little something...

Ciroc... The Experience...

Yesterday X called to ask about whether or not Cebu was still poppin' on Tuesday nights... After a little while we started talking about what was new... I told him that I was interviewing and trying to move to New York in July... Of course he asked a lot of questions and said that we needed to toast to the nest step of my career... He said that he was going to come over with a bottle of Puffy's new Ciroc Vodka... Well he showed up a little before 8:00pm with a new bottle and some cranberry juice... We toasted, took shots, and had mixed drink... Point blank we had a ball... We discussed everything under the sun... He told me about being in Jamaica--then Spain... As a clothing designer, he gets to travel the world... I am not sure when the conversation began to change... but innocent conversation about life and relationships-- turned into what "attracted" us to one another...

We met at the DJ Premier party I went to with Gil and Joc at World Cafe live last August... I felt someone staring at me--and when I turned there was this 6'5, light-skinned, cool looking guy looking at me... When I finished my small talk with Khalid--I walked over to him and introduced myself... I figured there was no reason to waste an opportunity... We chatted a little, I gave him my number, and then left to go find my friends... Later that week he called and we talked here and there... We ran into each other again, at a B-day party for Michael Blackson at Cebu--and I couldn't really spend time with him, because I was with my friends and Marty was watching me from the DJ booth...

We hung out a few times--but we were both seeing other people... I just assumed he wasn't really that attracted to me... He never commented or tried anything, so we just had a really cool friendship... We chilled, watched movies, and talked... Nothing more... Whoever said things between two people can change in an instant--ain't never lie! As I said earlier... I have no idea when the conversation changed or when I thought it was ok to sit on his lap and kiss him... but DAMN... I enjoyed every bit of it... The kissing, the touching, the sucking, and the licking... We kind of kept it PG-13... lol... On some real shit... He could've gotten it an way he wanted it last night... He definitely had me open...

I don't know where the boldness came from... Yes I do... the Ciroc... lol... but it was worth the ill hangover I had today!

Some people are sweet for no reason...

All I could say to him was "Thank you!" I realized today, just how sweet Mr. Jonathan Wesley Jordan really is... He had a dozen, beautiful, multi-colored, long stemmed roses--sent to my job... I am not sure what he really wants from me or with me, but it has felt good to have someone romance me for a change... Jon is the type to fall in-love easily... He told me that when he loves--he loves hard... but I know that I am not ready to be loved or to love anyone new... I enjoy hanging out with him and talking to him... it is just that whatever is going on with us is kind of moving too fast... At the moment, non of that matters... because on this day he gave me exactly what I needed... and what I needed, was to feel like a beautiful, black woman--with a man who appreciates her true essence...

The Day After...

Ok... so I really spent the majority of Sunday in bed sleeping... I truly felt like crap! When I got home, I made a few phone calls--then was out for the count.... Derrick and I were finally able to have that long awaited conversation that needed to happen--about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness... I explained everything I felt and wanted/needed--in terms of my career... As always, he was supportive, thoughtful, and happy for me... There aren't enough words to express how I feel about MCTC and the way they have changed... It is definitely time for me to move on... Anyway, Derrick is happy--because he finally got a new job working at the VA... it certainly is about time! I felt so bad for him... We began making plans for this weekend... I really miss him... We have been friends, since I was 16 years old... Gosh--time really has flown by...

The only reason we got off of the phone, is because Jon had come over to spend time with me... Allowing Jon to come over was definitely a gamble... I don't usually allow guys that I am seeing to come to my house... But for whatever reason--it is different with him... Spending time with him this past week has been nice... He is smart, funny, personable, and has a nice smile... I am not sure if I am being fair to him though... At this point, I really don't want to be in a relationship... I am about to move to NYC and I don't want to feel obligated to anyone...

First Saturday...

So I have just started seeing this new guy... Jon... Today he asked me to go out to dinner with him, his best friend, and his girlfriend... Of course I said-- "sure"... he's a really nice guy... But I was definitely thinking to myself--"damn, he wants me to meet his friends already"... Well we went to this little cute Soul Food spot--and we had a really good time... It was nice hanging out with new people, without all of the bullshit... We all laughed, talked shit, eat a lot of food, and had great conversation... It's funny, because Jon caught me completely off guard... We met at the XO Lounge while I was working the door for Dennis' ass... There he was this big 6'0 guy with a sweet smile... Trying to have a conversation with me, because he couldn't stop looking at my eyes... He really made me smile! Anyway, after that he knew that he wanted to get to know me... So I gave him a chance... Everyday he sends me text messages or calls... Asking me about everything and anything he can think of...

After going out for dinner, I go home and get changed... I decided I was going to go to Millcreek Tavern for 1st Saturday... and I haven't done that in almost a year... Well of course I run into a few people that I know... it's like no matter where I go now--I am bound to bump into somebody... The first of the night was Anwar... lol... This was an interesting moment, because we met there over a year ago... He is extremely handsome, tall, light brown, and sweet... Too bad he has a crazy side to him... Later that night, he sent a text message about me being on his mind... Next on the list was Dells and Ferno... seeing the two of them made me think about Marty... It's crazy, because whenever I see Ferno and Marty isn't around--I swear he looks at me or tries to touch me in a sexual way... I can't put my finger on it... but I know he is open to some real inappropriate shit if given the opportunity... Last, but certainly not least... Dennis comes over to me, while I am dancing and flirting with Jon... Go figure he would bring his ass around... THANK goodness I was drunk as hell! I had a damn ball... drinking, laughing, joking, and dancing--all night... I was a lot of fun...

When the lights came on--we all left... I dropped Mar and D'ondre off... As soon as I pulled off their block Akil called... Due to me being so inebriated--I agreed to go to his house, instead of driving all the way to my house... I was there for about 3-5 minutes before I passed the hell out on the couch... lol... A few hours later, we went upstairs to go to bed... I assumed it would be simple... Come over, crash, wake-up, then go home... But of course that was not the case... It is funny how I leave one person, then its off to the next...

Now here I am sooo HUNGOVER!!!!

The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girls Sex-- Exercise 2: Defining Moments in My Good Girl History

Timeline of sexual thoughts and moments... when I was made to feel as if I did something wrong...

1980s--

• I remember being at either St. Mary's or Ardmore Day Care... I had to be 4 or 5 years old... I was behind the couch with another kid and we kissed... Lol... Here I am, this cute little chocolate girl with ponytails and a matching Osh Gosh outfit--sneaking behind the couch to kiss some adorable curly haired boy... I remember feeling like I was doing something wrong, even though it was just a little kiss...

• There were times when one of my neighbors used to watch me after school... Well, her oldest son and I used to play house and doctor... I am not sure what or where we even got these ideas from or where we learned it for that matter... but we always would touch each other or grind on one another... Again... we were always sneaking while doing it, because we knew if we got caught, that we would have been in trouble... Imagine that...

• When I was around 8 years old--I would spend a lot of time in the city at my little sisters house... I remember a lot of touchy feely stuff going on with my friends down there... Playing house, playing catch a girl--get a girl, dancing at dollar parties... Always careful and not wanting any of the adults to find out...

1990's--

Middle School: Sure I started to like boys long before I got to Welsh Valley... but this is when I was able to start doing things on my own... This was the beginning of real school dances, Bar Mitzvahs/Bat Mitzvahs, boyfriends, girlfriends, and first dates...

• I remember the first time Ted and I kissed... It was in the 7th grade stairwell--in the fall... It was right before my field hockey game... Damn that was one of the best first kisses I have ever had! He looked so cute with his light brown skin, curly thick and crazy Afro, and hazel eyes, riped jeans, and flannel shirt... and there I was with my pleated kilt, with green biker shorts underneath, and green field hockey shirt on... lol... I can't believe I remembered that... Throughout middle school--we would sneak off to the stairwells or behind buildings to kiss... Ted had the most amazing lips... and I loved kissing him... On our first date real date we were 13 years old and both of our moms dropped us off at the Ardmore Movie Theater and picked us up when it was over... we went to see "Only You"--with Robert Downey, Jr. and Marrissa Tomae... The funny thing, is that we really didn't even watch the movie, because we spent the whole time hooking up... I used to dream and think about him... He had the fullest, most perfect juicy pink lips... Damn... The two of us played this game on and off throughout middle and high school...

• Then there was Justin... I could never explain to any1ne how much he disappointed me... If I knew then, what I know now... things between me and him would have gone a lot differently... Justin and I got together at some point when we were in 7th grade... I'll never forget him as long as I live... Of course at the time I was a virgin, and there wasn't much I was willing to do other then a little kissing and touching... He used to beg me for so much more than I was comfortable doing... He knew there was no way I would have had actual sex with him... So he used to bug the hell out of me about oral sex... Here is the kicker... He did not just want me to give him head... He wanted to go down on me too... Of course I was like hell no for months... but eventually his begging got to me... I agreed to give him head... but I refused to let him go down on me... What the hell was I thinking?! I was under the impression, that him pleasing me orally was gross and wrong... still I agreed to get down on my knees and suck his dick--even though I didn't want to... I really believed it was disgusting and wrong... When all of this went down, my stupid ass gave him head in the girl's locker room after school... Eventually the rumor got out and we were called to the principle and suspended, because he broke down like a baby and cracked under pressure... Of course, this was fine for him... We were in a lot of trouble and my mom, aunt, and older cousins got in my ass about the situation... They made me feel like the biggest hoe on earth, because of that experience with him... I felt so badly about myself and what I had done... After that--I truly believed oral sex was wrong...

• Eric was different... the first time I looked at him, I knew he had to be mine... Everything about him was fine... Too bad he was 19 years old, when I was 13 years old... Lying about my age... pretending to be 16, and thinking I was grown... What the hell was I thinking... I guess I wasn't... There he was--this fine Italian guy, with blue eyes... His walk, talk, and dress--was too fly... Eric and I met in Atlantic City... while my best friend at the time Michelle and I were there with her grandmother... We were walking on the board walk--in the dead of winter... When I heard these guys rapping... I looked out of the store and saw three guys playing around... It was a wrap when he and I caught each other's eyes... As they walked past, he stopped and turned around to talk to me... He wanted me to come to him... and I told him to meet me half way... lol... We spent the whole night with each other... Laughing, playing, talking, and kissing... Kissing him was nice... it made me tingle... I wanted him... I'm not sure how I wanted him... but i did... When I thought of him... I thought about the possibility of him being my first... but I knew it was wrong because of our ages... He was the first guy I loved.

High School: Lower Merion drama... boys II men...

• I really enjoyed my time in Atlantic City... Labor Day weekend 95', KP and I were walking along the Steel Pier when we met Hector and Luis... I was wearing a fly red and black champion jersey outfit, with a midriff underneath... Hector was a fine ass Puerto Rican--with an accent that made me weak! I loved it when he spoke Spanish to me... We spent a night acting a fool with our friends and really making out on the beach... Kissing, hugging, and rubbing--while watching the waves crash... He made me want to do some things, that I knew I wasn't ready for...

• Throughout high school there were different boys and different experiences (Kyle, Wesley, Tyree, Jordan, Arty, Kevin, Mike, Da'ood, Terry, Kareem, Dave, Alain, etc...). No matter what I did with them, I always felt blocked... Like I couldn't do certain things with them, because it in the back of my mind I kept hearing--"Good girls don't do that"...

• When I began dealing with Lenny--I was about 16... You couldn't tell me I didn't love his ass... In so many ways, my relationship with him was just wrong... He always tried to pressure me into having sex with him... Maybe I was wrong for allowing him to go down on me whenever we were together, but I just wasn't ready for a sexual relationship... Maybe I knew if I did have sex with him, that I would regret it... but I just couldn't... Every time I entertained the idea of loosing my virginity to him--I felt as if it was wrong... Something was always telling me "NO!"

• Nate, Brian, Derrick, and Kenny...I don't thing words could ever really express what I felt for each of them, while we were together... Back and forth... from one to other for over a decade... I'm just glad I was able to find three of the best friends a person could ask for...

• Payton was my the one I lost my virginity to... At the time, he made me feel special and safe... Even though I was scared... He made me feel completely comfortable... For that, I will always appreciate him...

• Mike and Joe my summer experiences... lol...
  

• Jules... my 1ne night stand...having sex with him made me feel badly for several reasons... Obviously because I didn't know him from a can of paint and because he was a rapper... Had I known who he was from the beginning, it would have never gone down like that... After that experience I really felt kind of cheap and easy...
  

College: It's no secret going to Slippery Rock University opened a whole new door to me...

2000's--

• Gary I started dealing with because I was six hours away from home, and there was no1ne to tell me I couldn't... I didn't even truly feel badly about him having a girlfriend, because I still had my own things going on at home and on campus... But he is the reason why I got on the pill...
• Brandon... God how I loved him!!!! The funny thing, was that he wasn't even my type... he was maybe 5'6, thin--an average looking guy... I did so many things wrong, because I was young and dumb... selfish and spoiled... But I would have married him one day... which is why I said yes. If sex had been off the hook, I might not have cheated...
  
• Morgan we were friends since high school. There are so many reasons why I felt like dealing with her was wrong! To begin, it was because I had cheated on Brandon... and because she was a girl--and I couldn't handle the fact that this girl was giving me great head... That's why the Me'Shell Ndegeocello's song--Berry Farms reminds me of everything we did... Her words were: "She couldn't love me without shame, she only wanted me for one thang... but you could teach your boy to do that..."
  

Temple Times: The beginning of a new me...

• Kendall we met in Harrah's Casino in New Orleans, Louisiana... He couldn't take his eyes off of me... lol... Kendall is trouble, because when I have sex with him--I don't think about where I am or who's around... We just did things to each other that were... incredible...
  
• Kenny was a long time coming, because he waited years for me... It was fun, hot, and uninhibited... I was never uncomfortable when I was with him... He always made me feel safe, secure, and sexy... all of the time... regardless of whether or not I was a thick madame or smaller--thick and petite... I miss my friend!
  
• Itasha is the 1ne I will always love and want... In so many ways, she was my first... The story of us, is something I could never fully explain... we did so many things together... In the beginning-- sex was great... it was new... it was different... it was intense... This was the first time I ever experienced something with another female... When I looked at her, I saw what I wanted and needed... We had crazy energy! Everything about her, I found sexy... Her swagger was magnetic... She is hella smart, attractive, and sweet... Which is how she got me... I would have done anything in the world for her, with, her, and to her... I used to love the way she touched and LICKED me... Love Letters, The Black Lilly, Jus Words, and The Best Lesbian Erotica... led us to a place no1ne can ever touch... The first time we kissed was amazing... the first time she put her head in between my legs was even better! I remember one of the most intense sexual experience we had, was when we first moved to South Philly... and she told me that she loved me... Damn that was great sex! But we allowed petty things get in the way... Which effected me wanting her or wanting to experience different things with her... even though I wanted to... It's funny, because she is the only person I have ever been with, who made me feel unattractive... but I still stayed and still want to reach another level with her sexually... I guess it's just a matter of how...
  

Grown & Sexy: Started doing things my way...

• Vu and I met in a club called Dreamz... There he was this Asian guy, with a certain swagger... He offered me intellectual conversation over coffee or lunch... lol... I got a lot more than that... Vu was special. We didn't really have sex... but that didn't effect the bond we shared... Hmph... I never thought he was going to end up in prison... Damn, I miss the times that we never had!
  
• Jamill was so bad for me... His presence is crazy... 6'3, Sunni bread, attractive, light skin, kind-of rugged, yet clean... Damn it... it was so hard to say no to him... That was the problem... Sex was good... he wasn't good enough... But the things he used to do to me were...
  
• Dennis was what I needed at the time we met... He made me let my guard down a little, by allowing him to step into my comfort zone... I can't even front on his ass, even though I want to... I can never or will never complain about sex with him, because we did anything and everything... We were so free sexually together... He opened me open to being uninhibited again... It's interesting the things people can get you to do... Maybe that's why I kept him around for so long...
  
• Marty was fun... He definitely pushed me into some things, I did and didn't want to do because I was shy... But of course, he wasn't having that... My favorite sexual moment with him, was when we were in Atlantic City... We had such a good time... The club was amazing... drinking, dancing, daring... the parking lot... the car... and the hotel... We really just had a great time... Sex in general with Marty was always fun and needed... we had a ball!
  
• Akil had been trying to get me the way he wanted me for over three years... His whole thing, was that he didn't want me to regret him... and I didn't... How sweet was that?! He gets me when I'm off guard... Caught up or drunk... lol... Either way, he was always sweet.
  

Bad Girls Feel Good about Being Bad-- Excercise 1: "My Mission Statement"

Okay-- so my friend brought this book for me as a joke... but since I have it I might as well read through it and attempt the little projects in it...

Here we go... Announcing my bad intentions...

"To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully sexually alive with myself and my sexual partner."