Getting back...

So for months I have been trying to make myself get back "on the horse"... the blogging horse that is... It is as if something or someone has been blocking my attention. I want so badly to be able to breath and have space. At some point I have lost my way.... Some many things have changed and I am moving on to new endeavors...

Recap...

1. New job--signed onto work with Achievement First Schools for the 2008-2009 school year.


2. New city--moved to NYC during the summer of 2008.


3. New living situation--stayed with the "ex of never ending emotions" and created another set of growing pains and shit to let go of.


4. New home--finally moved into a newly renovated and remodeled apartment in BROOKLYN, NY.


5. New relationship--began dating and eventually got into a relationship with someone who does not understand who I am or what I want and need.


6. New professional issues--the job I relocated for turned out to be a truly toxic environment. AFE was filled with evil, stupidity, back-stabbing, racism, ignorance, and social climbing.


7. New search--in January of 2009, I began a new job search. New loneliness--I felt lost and alone. I really was not speaking to anyone close to me--this included my family and friends. Isolating myself from those who knew and understood me--regardless of how much I may have needed them.


8. New sense of awareness--after working in a charter school in Brooklyn this past year, I was able to see and assess a lot. The public school system in NYC is broken. There is no clear system for checks and balances which makes for very dangerous results. The question is how to do make change in such a hostile environment and how do you survive. I guess the answer is "exposing" the truth--while moving forward.


9. New offers--after months of searching I was offered a several new opportunities. I ended up taking the one that was close in proximity to my house and a better opportunity in terms of more administrative duties at a school. This looks promising and I am excited to redevelop a counseling and school culture program.


10. New feelings--there are so many reasons why I happy, sad, excited, scared and motivated. The trick is to keep breathing!

I won't make any promises, but I am going to really try to get back into blogging... Till then...

My President's Black... My scholars wear blue... I'm a Black woman with a lot to do!!!

Wow... So today Barak Obama was sworn in as the 44th President... It was the most overwhelming, amazing, historical moment... and here I am at 27 years old watching this in my apartment with Jessica, Fatimah, and Sharleen... The intro was real, Miss Aretha Franklin sang and touched my soul... A man who marched with Martin Luther King Jr. made a speech that was honest and clear (blacks won't have to get to the back... browns will be around... yellows stay mellow... and whites will have to embrace what's right)... lmao... They are not ready...

My heart was filled with so many emotions when my President made his first speech... This man makes me hopeful and ready for change! Our country needs this man and the change he can bring... I'm ready to pledge... As a Black woman I have a responsibility to my family and my community... I'm in the struggle and trying to do my part--which is why I am in urban education... I want so badly to make an impact and leave my mark, by effecting generations... Effecting generations is apart of my heritage... apart of my duty... I am so ready to join the "Yes We Can" team... It's true... Martin walked, so Obama could run... Obama ran, so WE could fly! History has been made and there are not enough words to express the joy I feel...

It'sbeen a while...

Wow... It has been like 7 months since I last blogged... Thinking back on it, I know it is something that I need to do in order to keep myself sane... So many things have changed and happened since June....

I moved to NYC... stayed with Itasha for over 3 months... We went to Vegas on a mini vacation... and came back with a damn vacation ownership... I left almost hating her again... For the 4th time... She has no idea what she has done to me over the years... The emotional roller-coaster that is us, caused too much pain for me... We don't even speak anymore... This time it's for good... and to think--I originally was moving for her... lol... I am not even in the mood to discuss everything that is us...

It took me months to find an apartment... After a while, I decided to get a roommate... Some1ne who works for AF... He's a principle-in-residence (Dave)... Too bad it didn't work out... There were a lot of factors that caused it to be a difficult task... but everything worked out for the best... I live in an old Pre-War building in the Kensington section of Brooklyn... with an interesting array of tenants... Young, old, Black, White, Indian, ect... There are so many different types of people here... You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to make this apartment a reality... I love that it is old, but my place is newly renovated and fabulous... Unfortunately, the rent is crazy... lol... But it is what I wanted... Thanks to my mom and Aunt Alice--moving in and setting up was painless...

Working at AFE has been an experience that is full of so many things... Good, bad, ugly, and crazy as hell... I wish that some of the shit that goes on within that school was not so fucked up... but who knows when or if that is going to happen... Well, maybe 1ne day we'll find a better way to function and get things on track... I work with some amazing people, who are talented, motivated, hardworking, and dedicated... If only our leaders could see what and who they have... It's funny I moved here for this job and want so badly for things to work, but as a school we are not functioning well... We are divided by race, new staff, old staff, strong, and weak... It is a mess... I work late--and I work on my days off... because of love these scholars and want them to have the things they need... I am teaching and trying to be in other places, when they need me... Ugh... It's crazy...

Moving forward... I met this guy on DL and he made me feel "intense vibes and bold colors"... We had crazy energy and fucking mind blowing sex! He's intelligent and attractive... but has a lot of extra shit with him... That's what makes things between us so difficult... He has major trust issues and I don't know how to make it better... The whole time we have been together, I have done nothing but be with him & want him... But he doesn't believe me... He's not the relationship type and has done things that make me question his ability to be faithful... He goes through my phone and invades my privacy... Wants to know my every move... Something I can't handle... I HATE it... What really gets me is the fact that things weren't always like this... He was different... He can be sweet, loving, and GREAT! All of this is missed by his controlling ways... I don't think I can handle this for much longer... Love is not supposed to be or feel like this... I hate making him unhappy... I can't be affectionate when some1ne make me feel like shit about certain things... What I love about him--is the way he wants to know me and knows certain things about me... the way he wants to take care of me and protect me is sweet... but only when it isn't overwhelming... Ugh... I don't know... It's a lot to digest...

Constantly thinking...

For whatever reason, I can't seem to keep my mind from wondering from one thing to the next... or from one person to the next... I swear it's never ending... So yesterday Dennis calls with his weekly call to see how I am doing or to ask if I need anything. This time it just so happens, that I do need him to help me out with something... Honestly, I am not sure if I believe he'll come through--but I do need help getting my boxes, microwave and fridge into storage... Then he goes through, the whole--"you know you could have stayed with me... I do miss you... blah... blah... blah..." To top it off last night he sends me a text message saying, he is going to really try to be there for me the best he can... and that he still has a special place in his heart for me... Hilarious, right?! He really is full of it... I spent six months seeing him... I gave him him bits and pieces of me and he didn't know what to do with it, because of his selfish ass ways... Explain how in six months, we did not become friends?! That's easy... Lack of interest and intellect...

In addition to all of the other things that I have on my mind when it comes to moving to New York... Itasha is a constant thread, theme, and thought... She's everywhere... We have been through so many things and keep coming back to whatever it is we've been doing lately... It used to really hurt, that we were no longer having sex--but at this point I don't want it... There are so many people out there, who love to be with me in whatever way I would allow them to... But the person who had me didn't know what to do with it... I spent so many years loving, needing and wanting her--yet I ended up fucking it up with my extra bullshit... I often wonder what it is she and I are really doing... When we are together we act as if we are still a couple... Honestly, it's confusing in a way--because it clouds my judgment... I don't even want to be in a relationship... I'm good the way I am... When I have talked to her lately, she seems so distant and uninterested... It bothers me and it makes me not want to deal with her ass... Maybe I am being sensitive for no reason...

Then there's "Big Daddy"... lol... Things with her really have me vexed! Most of the time I don't give a damn about the people I am fucking around with, but with her it has been different... I think I realized that early on... This shit has truly become a problem for both of us... I am grown, and you would think that I knew better... But clearly it is much more than someone I'm dealing with to pass the time by... How many times during my 26 years of life--have I heard "Baby I love you... Damn, I miss your pussy in my mouth"?! A lot... and clearly, I have heard it enough times to recognize game... But when she says that shit, I believe her and it makes me wet... What the hell is my problem?! At this point, it doesn't even matter... We haven't seen each other in a while and she certainly hasn't made an effort... In the beginning she did, when she was curious and had a "teenage crush"... There are so many things I can't have or do with her... I just really don't know what I am doing anymore... The other day she told me that if shit was different, then she would be on me "hard body"... lol... Yeah, right... if things were different... In addition to that, she told me that she wanted to be "my baby"... When I asked her to break it down to me, me I was truly at a loss for words... She said that she wanted all of me... because she wanted to be my lover... that she wanted to be the one I wanted to talk to when I was happy or down... she said that even if the shit I was talking didn't make any sense, that she would make sense of it... and any sexual desire I had, even if that shit was off of the wall--she would do her best to fulfill my needs... Can you believe that shit?! That is why her ass has me open... What girl hasn't wanted or waited to hear some shit like like, and know it wasn't bullshit... Then again... she could be running game, since "she's good at what she does"! Lately we have been going back and forth and fucking with each other, because we miss one another... We definitely need to chill with the extra nonsense... But it is, what it is...

I don't know... Maybe one day I will figure it all out and not look like a damn fool...

Now you tell people you love me...

Ok... So I have to say that it really is irritating when someone you have loved for so long--suddenly wants the damn world to know that they do in fact love you... Why is it, when they have all of you-- you both screw it up... then one of you is willing to try, when the other one isn't focused on the relationship... and then when they give you the time and attention you want or deserve, you decide it's time to walk away... Funny right?! This is my life with the one who will always have a special part of me... I am so tired of people telling me, that we need to get back together, because we have been going 'round and 'round for two years--since our break up... I was relocating to New York in effort to help her... Plan A went out the dag-on window... and I ended up hurt and hurting all over again... but everything worked out the way it's supposed to... Honestly, I do love her... anyone who knows us knows that... but I'll be damned if I am going back any time soon... I am enjoying life right now... If anyone wants to know who I am seeing, dating, or getting down with... I will tell them her name is ME...

The 2nd Sunday...

Yesterday I got my hair done and it is really hot! Tanya did her thing yesterday... Afterwards I went to see my little sister and my nephew... I haven't seen them in a while, so it was nice being with them... So we talked about so many things... I told her about the different things going on in my life and the different people in it... She gave me her two sense about what she thinks I should and should not be doing... But the bottom line is that, she wants me to be happy... and for the most part I am... When I left Norristown, I decided to go to Aunt Alice's house to see her and Mommy... Time is really flying by... while I was in Ardmore, all I kept thinking about was how much I am going to miss seeing my mom whenever I want to... She is not willing to come to New York on her on... I don't understand what she is afraid of... but maybe she'll get over her fears on day...

Anyway, I really was really looking good last night... I honestly was hoping that I would be able to get into some things last night, but none of my friends were really available... Of course, I was a little disappointed--because I wasn't going to go out alone last night... Instead of partying, I hung out with my family... made some cocktails and got nice...

I guess drinking really does make you tell the truth... because when I talked to my "teenage love affair"-- I told her how much I missed her, loved her, and wanted to see her... Which really wasn't possible, because again... we have our own things going on... I wanted to really have a conversation with her last night and couldn't because of nosey and noisy ass people in the background... trying to be all up in our business... The other day, she sent me a text... and it said, "I really do love you. I am in love with you." She tells me this and asks me if I regret any of the time we have spent together, and if knowing what I know now--would I have gotten into any of this with her... My answer was of course, I would do it again... I don't really believe I did anything wrong... I am young, single, and free... I am about to move a new city, and experience new things... the sky is the limit...

Counting down... and walking away...

So today was Exhibition Night... thank God my kids did a great job!!! I am so proud of everything they have done and worked towards... But most of all I am glad this crap is over... Now I only have two weeks left... and I just want it to be over!!!! I am so sick of Mastery and all of their lies... it is so interesting to see what crap they come up with each and every day. I can't tell you how I feel about that organization. I can honestly say I appreciate everything I learned while being their and how they gave me my helped lead me into the path I was destined to walk...

I know it has been months, since I have even bothered to blog... but I have missed doing it... It is my release and my opportunity to express myself freely without reservations... Right now I have so many things to get off of my chest, yet I am afraid to discuss them with anyone... I guess it's time to get it out... So I while ago I met someone... We met through mutual friends... At some point I realized some sort of connection between us... I didn't really want to believe it, but I really couldn't ignore it either... One weekend we were hanging out and we "innocently" crossed the line... It started with a kiss that was so gentle and endearing to my forehead... I in return gave her neck a kiss kiss... She told me she had a teenage crush, but was not trying to do anything--because we both had our own things going on... I should have known, that that comment alone would change things between us. Days later we hooked up--met at the mall for dinner and stimulating conversation... I know that it was the wrong thing to do, but I went anyway... I love the way she looked at me... with this intensity and sincerity that made me want to play with her-- tease her--and experience her... That night we hugged, kissed, and took things to a place we weren't prepared for... We have spent incredible nights together experiencing shit I did not think was possible... She had me ready to "make love in the club, while rocking stilettos--which ultimately led me to grippin' on the bed"... She said that she fell in love... Honestly, I did too...

Our love is easy, with no strings attached--but the love we have is complicated because of other people and other situations... Every day we talk, laugh, fuss, cuss, and love... But what is it all for?! There is no such thing as moving forward together... but we will separately... She wants me and what she has held onto for so many years, because it's safe and familiar... even though it's unhealthy... I guess I really need to ask myself, if it's possible if for what started off as platonic love to develop into anything more... With so much at stake, is it worth it to take a chance on romance? A part of me wants a love story that proves that romance is even sweeter--and scarier--when the stakes are sky high... Ugh... what's a girl to do?!