Constantly thinking...

For whatever reason, I can't seem to keep my mind from wondering from one thing to the next... or from one person to the next... I swear it's never ending... So yesterday Dennis calls with his weekly call to see how I am doing or to ask if I need anything. This time it just so happens, that I do need him to help me out with something... Honestly, I am not sure if I believe he'll come through--but I do need help getting my boxes, microwave and fridge into storage... Then he goes through, the whole--"you know you could have stayed with me... I do miss you... blah... blah... blah..." To top it off last night he sends me a text message saying, he is going to really try to be there for me the best he can... and that he still has a special place in his heart for me... Hilarious, right?! He really is full of it... I spent six months seeing him... I gave him him bits and pieces of me and he didn't know what to do with it, because of his selfish ass ways... Explain how in six months, we did not become friends?! That's easy... Lack of interest and intellect...

In addition to all of the other things that I have on my mind when it comes to moving to New York... Itasha is a constant thread, theme, and thought... She's everywhere... We have been through so many things and keep coming back to whatever it is we've been doing lately... It used to really hurt, that we were no longer having sex--but at this point I don't want it... There are so many people out there, who love to be with me in whatever way I would allow them to... But the person who had me didn't know what to do with it... I spent so many years loving, needing and wanting her--yet I ended up fucking it up with my extra bullshit... I often wonder what it is she and I are really doing... When we are together we act as if we are still a couple... Honestly, it's confusing in a way--because it clouds my judgment... I don't even want to be in a relationship... I'm good the way I am... When I have talked to her lately, she seems so distant and uninterested... It bothers me and it makes me not want to deal with her ass... Maybe I am being sensitive for no reason...

Then there's "Big Daddy"... lol... Things with her really have me vexed! Most of the time I don't give a damn about the people I am fucking around with, but with her it has been different... I think I realized that early on... This shit has truly become a problem for both of us... I am grown, and you would think that I knew better... But clearly it is much more than someone I'm dealing with to pass the time by... How many times during my 26 years of life--have I heard "Baby I love you... Damn, I miss your pussy in my mouth"?! A lot... and clearly, I have heard it enough times to recognize game... But when she says that shit, I believe her and it makes me wet... What the hell is my problem?! At this point, it doesn't even matter... We haven't seen each other in a while and she certainly hasn't made an effort... In the beginning she did, when she was curious and had a "teenage crush"... There are so many things I can't have or do with her... I just really don't know what I am doing anymore... The other day she told me that if shit was different, then she would be on me "hard body"... lol... Yeah, right... if things were different... In addition to that, she told me that she wanted to be "my baby"... When I asked her to break it down to me, me I was truly at a loss for words... She said that she wanted all of me... because she wanted to be my lover... that she wanted to be the one I wanted to talk to when I was happy or down... she said that even if the shit I was talking didn't make any sense, that she would make sense of it... and any sexual desire I had, even if that shit was off of the wall--she would do her best to fulfill my needs... Can you believe that shit?! That is why her ass has me open... What girl hasn't wanted or waited to hear some shit like like, and know it wasn't bullshit... Then again... she could be running game, since "she's good at what she does"! Lately we have been going back and forth and fucking with each other, because we miss one another... We definitely need to chill with the extra nonsense... But it is, what it is...

I don't know... Maybe one day I will figure it all out and not look like a damn fool...