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For whatever reason, I can't seem to keep my mind from wondering from one thing to the next... or from one person to the next... I swear it's never ending... So yesterday Dennis calls with his weekly call to see how I am doing or to ask if I need anything. This time it just so happens, that I do need him to help me out with something... Honestly, I am not sure if I believe he'll come through--but I do need help getting my boxes, microwave and fridge into storage... Then he goes through, the whole--"you know you could have stayed with me... I do miss you... blah... blah... blah..." To top it off last night he sends me a text message saying, he is going to really try to be there for me the best he can... and that he still has a special place in his heart for me... Hilarious, right?! He really is full of it... I spent six months seeing him... I gave him him bits and pieces of me and he didn't know what to do with it, because of his selfish ass ways... Explain how in six months, we did not become friends?! That's easy... Lack of interest and intellect...In addition to all of the other things that I have on my mind when it comes to moving to New York... Itasha is a constant thread, theme, and thought... She's everywhere... We have been through so many things and keep coming back to whatever it is we've been doing lately... It used to really hurt, that we were no longer having sex--but at this point I don't want it... There are so many people out there, who love to be with me in whatever way I would allow them to... But the person who had me didn't know what to do with it... I spent so many years loving, needing and wanting her--yet I ended up fucking it up with my extra bullshit... I often wonder what it is she and I are really doing... When we are together we act as if we are still a couple... Honestly, it's confusing in a way--because it clouds my judgment... I don't even want to be in a relationship... I'm good the way I am... When I have talked to her lately, she seems so distant and uninterested... It bothers me and it makes me not want to deal with her ass... Maybe I am being sensitive for no reason...Then there's "Big Daddy"... lol... Things with her really have me vexed! Most of the time I don't give a damn about the people I am fucking around with, but with her it has been different... I think I realized that early on... This shit has truly become a problem for both of us... I am grown, and you would think that I knew better... But clearly it is much more than someone I'm dealing with to pass the time by... How many times during my 26 years of life--have I heard "Baby I love you... Damn, I miss your pussy in my mouth"?! A lot... and clearly, I have heard it enough times to recognize game... But when she says that shit, I believe her and it makes me wet... What the hell is my problem?! At this point, it doesn't even matter... We haven't seen each other in a while and she certainly hasn't made an effort... In the beginning she did, when she was curious and had a "teenage crush"... There are so many things I can't have or do with her... I just really don't know what I am doing anymore... The other day she told me that if shit was different, then she would be on me "hard body"... lol... Yeah, right... if things were different... In addition to that, she told me that she wanted to be "my baby"... When I asked her to break it down to me, me I was truly at a loss for words... She said that she wanted all of me... because she wanted to be my lover... that she wanted to be the one I wanted to talk to when I was happy or down... she said that even if the shit I was talking didn't make any sense, that she would make sense of it... and any sexual desire I had, even if that shit was off of the wall--she would do her best to fulfill my needs... Can you believe that shit?! That is why her ass has me open... What girl hasn't wanted or waited to hear some shit like like, and know it wasn't bullshit... Then again... she could be running game, since "she's good at what she does"! Lately we have been going back and forth and fucking with each other, because we miss one another... We definitely need to chill with the extra nonsense... But it is, what it is...
I don't know... Maybe one day I will figure it all out and not look like a damn fool...
Ok... So I have to say that it really is irritating when someone you have loved for so long--suddenly wants the damn world to know that they do in fact love you... Why is it, when they have all of you-- you both screw it up... then one of you is willing to try, when the other one isn't focused on the relationship... and then when they give you the time and attention you want or deserve, you decide it's time to walk away... Funny right?! This is my life with the one who will always have a special part of me... I am so tired of people telling me, that we need to get back together, because we have been going 'round and 'round for two years--since our break up... I was relocating to New York in effort to help her... Plan A went out the dag-on window... and I ended up hurt and hurting all over again... but everything worked out the way it's supposed to... Honestly, I do love her... anyone who knows us knows that... but I'll be damned if I am going back any time soon... I am enjoying life right now... If anyone wants to know who I am seeing, dating, or getting down with... I will tell them her name is ME...
Yesterday I got my hair done and it is really hot! Tanya did her thing yesterday... Afterwards I went to see my little sister and my nephew... I haven't seen them in a while, so it was nice being with them... So we talked about so many things... I told her about the different things going on in my life and the different people in it... She gave me her two sense about what she thinks I should and should not be doing... But the bottom line is that, she wants me to be happy... and for the most part I am... When I left Norristown, I decided to go to Aunt Alice's house to see her and Mommy... Time is really flying by... while I was in Ardmore, all I kept thinking about was how much I am going to miss seeing my mom whenever I want to... She is not willing to come to New York on her on... I don't understand what she is afraid of... but maybe she'll get over her fears on day...Anyway, I really was really looking good last night... I honestly was hoping that I would be able to get into some things last night, but none of my friends were really available... Of course, I was a little disappointed--because I wasn't going to go out alone last night... Instead of partying, I hung out with my family... made some cocktails and got nice... I guess drinking really does make you tell the truth... because when I talked to my "teenage love affair"-- I told her how much I missed her, loved her, and wanted to see her... Which really wasn't possible, because again... we have our own things going on... I wanted to really have a conversation with her last night and couldn't because of nosey and noisy ass people in the background... trying to be all up in our business... The other day, she sent me a text... and it said, "I really do love you. I am in love with you." She tells me this and asks me if I regret any of the time we have spent together, and if knowing what I know now--would I have gotten into any of this with her... My answer was of course, I would do it again... I don't really believe I did anything wrong... I am young, single, and free... I am about to move a new city, and experience new things... the sky is the limit...
So today was Exhibition Night... thank God my kids did a great job!!! I am so proud of everything they have done and worked towards... But most of all I am glad this crap is over... Now I only have two weeks left... and I just want it to be over!!!! I am so sick of Mastery and all of their lies... it is so interesting to see what crap they come up with each and every day. I can't tell you how I feel about that organization. I can honestly say I appreciate everything I learned while being their and how they gave me my helped lead me into the path I was destined to walk...I know it has been months, since I have even bothered to blog... but I have missed doing it... It is my release and my opportunity to express myself freely without reservations... Right now I have so many things to get off of my chest, yet I am afraid to discuss them with anyone... I guess it's time to get it out... So I while ago I met someone... We met through mutual friends... At some point I realized some sort of connection between us... I didn't really want to believe it, but I really couldn't ignore it either... One weekend we were hanging out and we "innocently" crossed the line... It started with a kiss that was so gentle and endearing to my forehead... I in return gave her neck a kiss kiss... She told me she had a teenage crush, but was not trying to do anything--because we both had our own things going on... I should have known, that that comment alone would change things between us. Days later we hooked up--met at the mall for dinner and stimulating conversation... I know that it was the wrong thing to do, but I went anyway... I love the way she looked at me... with this intensity and sincerity that made me want to play with her-- tease her--and experience her... That night we hugged, kissed, and took things to a place we weren't prepared for... We have spent incredible nights together experiencing shit I did not think was possible... She had me ready to "make love in the club, while rocking stilettos--which ultimately led me to grippin' on the bed"... She said that she fell in love... Honestly, I did too...
Our love is easy, with no strings attached--but the love we have is complicated because of other people and other situations... Every day we talk, laugh, fuss, cuss, and love... But what is it all for?! There is no such thing as moving forward together... but we will separately... She wants me and what she has held onto for so many years, because it's safe and familiar... even though it's unhealthy... I guess I really need to ask myself, if it's possible if for what started off as platonic love to develop into anything more... With so much at stake, is it worth it to take a chance on romance? A part of me wants a love story that proves that romance is even sweeter--and scarier--when the stakes are sky high... Ugh... what's a girl to do?!
