Getting back...

So for months I have been trying to make myself get back "on the horse"... the blogging horse that is... It is as if something or someone has been blocking my attention. I want so badly to be able to breath and have space. At some point I have lost my way.... Some many things have changed and I am moving on to new endeavors...

Recap...

1. New job--signed onto work with Achievement First Schools for the 2008-2009 school year.


2. New city--moved to NYC during the summer of 2008.


3. New living situation--stayed with the "ex of never ending emotions" and created another set of growing pains and shit to let go of.


4. New home--finally moved into a newly renovated and remodeled apartment in BROOKLYN, NY.


5. New relationship--began dating and eventually got into a relationship with someone who does not understand who I am or what I want and need.


6. New professional issues--the job I relocated for turned out to be a truly toxic environment. AFE was filled with evil, stupidity, back-stabbing, racism, ignorance, and social climbing.


7. New search--in January of 2009, I began a new job search. New loneliness--I felt lost and alone. I really was not speaking to anyone close to me--this included my family and friends. Isolating myself from those who knew and understood me--regardless of how much I may have needed them.


8. New sense of awareness--after working in a charter school in Brooklyn this past year, I was able to see and assess a lot. The public school system in NYC is broken. There is no clear system for checks and balances which makes for very dangerous results. The question is how to do make change in such a hostile environment and how do you survive. I guess the answer is "exposing" the truth--while moving forward.


9. New offers--after months of searching I was offered a several new opportunities. I ended up taking the one that was close in proximity to my house and a better opportunity in terms of more administrative duties at a school. This looks promising and I am excited to redevelop a counseling and school culture program.


10. New feelings--there are so many reasons why I happy, sad, excited, scared and motivated. The trick is to keep breathing!

I won't make any promises, but I am going to really try to get back into blogging... Till then...

My President's Black... My scholars wear blue... I'm a Black woman with a lot to do!!!

Wow... So today Barak Obama was sworn in as the 44th President... It was the most overwhelming, amazing, historical moment... and here I am at 27 years old watching this in my apartment with Jessica, Fatimah, and Sharleen... The intro was real, Miss Aretha Franklin sang and touched my soul... A man who marched with Martin Luther King Jr. made a speech that was honest and clear (blacks won't have to get to the back... browns will be around... yellows stay mellow... and whites will have to embrace what's right)... lmao... They are not ready...

My heart was filled with so many emotions when my President made his first speech... This man makes me hopeful and ready for change! Our country needs this man and the change he can bring... I'm ready to pledge... As a Black woman I have a responsibility to my family and my community... I'm in the struggle and trying to do my part--which is why I am in urban education... I want so badly to make an impact and leave my mark, by effecting generations... Effecting generations is apart of my heritage... apart of my duty... I am so ready to join the "Yes We Can" team... It's true... Martin walked, so Obama could run... Obama ran, so WE could fly! History has been made and there are not enough words to express the joy I feel...

It'sbeen a while...

Wow... It has been like 7 months since I last blogged... Thinking back on it, I know it is something that I need to do in order to keep myself sane... So many things have changed and happened since June....

I moved to NYC... stayed with Itasha for over 3 months... We went to Vegas on a mini vacation... and came back with a damn vacation ownership... I left almost hating her again... For the 4th time... She has no idea what she has done to me over the years... The emotional roller-coaster that is us, caused too much pain for me... We don't even speak anymore... This time it's for good... and to think--I originally was moving for her... lol... I am not even in the mood to discuss everything that is us...

It took me months to find an apartment... After a while, I decided to get a roommate... Some1ne who works for AF... He's a principle-in-residence (Dave)... Too bad it didn't work out... There were a lot of factors that caused it to be a difficult task... but everything worked out for the best... I live in an old Pre-War building in the Kensington section of Brooklyn... with an interesting array of tenants... Young, old, Black, White, Indian, ect... There are so many different types of people here... You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to make this apartment a reality... I love that it is old, but my place is newly renovated and fabulous... Unfortunately, the rent is crazy... lol... But it is what I wanted... Thanks to my mom and Aunt Alice--moving in and setting up was painless...

Working at AFE has been an experience that is full of so many things... Good, bad, ugly, and crazy as hell... I wish that some of the shit that goes on within that school was not so fucked up... but who knows when or if that is going to happen... Well, maybe 1ne day we'll find a better way to function and get things on track... I work with some amazing people, who are talented, motivated, hardworking, and dedicated... If only our leaders could see what and who they have... It's funny I moved here for this job and want so badly for things to work, but as a school we are not functioning well... We are divided by race, new staff, old staff, strong, and weak... It is a mess... I work late--and I work on my days off... because of love these scholars and want them to have the things they need... I am teaching and trying to be in other places, when they need me... Ugh... It's crazy...

Moving forward... I met this guy on DL and he made me feel "intense vibes and bold colors"... We had crazy energy and fucking mind blowing sex! He's intelligent and attractive... but has a lot of extra shit with him... That's what makes things between us so difficult... He has major trust issues and I don't know how to make it better... The whole time we have been together, I have done nothing but be with him & want him... But he doesn't believe me... He's not the relationship type and has done things that make me question his ability to be faithful... He goes through my phone and invades my privacy... Wants to know my every move... Something I can't handle... I HATE it... What really gets me is the fact that things weren't always like this... He was different... He can be sweet, loving, and GREAT! All of this is missed by his controlling ways... I don't think I can handle this for much longer... Love is not supposed to be or feel like this... I hate making him unhappy... I can't be affectionate when some1ne make me feel like shit about certain things... What I love about him--is the way he wants to know me and knows certain things about me... the way he wants to take care of me and protect me is sweet... but only when it isn't overwhelming... Ugh... I don't know... It's a lot to digest...